Charlie Sheen

There's this little hole-in-the-wall karaoke bar I go to that's just up the road from my house. It's the kind of place where anything can happen, but usually nothing too bad or fucked up. Usually. I don't even go there to sing, it's just a nice place where everyone knows everyone. The karaoke list is huge too. Whatever.

So I'm hanging out one afternoon, wasting the day, reading a book, when someone places a dirty, shaken, vodka martini in front of me. Now, I'm usually a strictly beer and tequila drinker, but something about that kind of martini just makes me feel good. I might even pass up a free shot of tequila for a $10 martini.

Expecting to see someone I actually know holding the martini, I look up to see the casual, psychotically expectant face of Charlie Sheen. A cold chill runs along my spine and he winks at me then says "Hey, Nate. Thought you could use a nice drink to help that book go down smoother."

Letters and alcohol. Whatever, I can't read.

"Wow, um, thanks Charlie Sheen. That's awesome." 

"Anytime. I'll see you around." He gives me a thumbs-up and walks out of the bar into the sunlight.

The bartender comes over and says "What the fuck. I think he brought that martini in with him."

"Yea, I figured." I turn and dump the martini into a trash can and go back to my beer.

I don't go to that bar anymore.

Nicolas Cage

I was walking around Barnes and Nobles one day trying to discreetly add whiskey to my Starbucks coffee, when I heard a man in the next aisle talking very loudly on his cell phone. It wasn't very hard to recognize the voice as belonging to Nicolas Cage.
Keeping my cool I immediately dropped to my knees, clutching my alcoholic coffee to my chest so as to not spill any on the floor. If it spills on my shirt, I can suck it out, but I don't know where Barnes and Nobles' floor has been.
I pricked my ears to try and determine what direction he was facing so I could sneak past without him noticing me, but as fate would have it, Nicolas Cage was actively searching me out. I was fucked.
He stepped around the corner from the Teen Fiction section clicking his cell phone closed with one hand and adjusting his ridiculous leather jacket with the other.
"Hey, man, you're you." He was smiling. It was making my skin crawl. He took a step closer, I took a step back. I wondered to myself if I had put enough whiskey in my coffee as to make it flammable in a last ditch attempt to escape.
"Yeah, I am me. Thanks." I turned to leave but he was instantly 5 feet closer to me than he had been a moment before. I never saw his feet move.
"No no no. I mean, you're the guy that meets the famous people. That's awesome, man. And now you've met me! That's just rad, man. Rad."
"I'm pretty sure there's more than just me out there meeting famous people." I took the lid off my coffee cup.
"No, come on, I mean you're the guy who WRITES about it! That's so cool!"

"You understand how that makes you sound crazy, right?" I threw the coffee onto the ground in front of me and in one fluid motion whipped out a book of matches, lit one and tossed the whole book onto the puddle. The mixture was just right; we had ignition. A wall of flames erupted in between us. Nicolas Cage had his cell back to his ear and was screaming 'Help! Help!' That was my cue.
"Ghost Rider sucked dick and you're an asshole for making a sequel!" I jumped over the bookshelf and ran across the tops of the rest of them until I reached the front door.

I didn't stop running for a full hour.

I still feel kinda bad about burning down that Barnes and Nobles in wherever I was.

Joan Allen

Christmas of 2006 I found myself wandering around a Virgin Records Superstore in god-knows-what-city. It had been 3 days since I had been back to the hotel where I was staying with some friends from Denver, and I wasn't even sure if they were still here in town. But for some reason, none of this seemed to matter to me, and I was desperate to find some album in the store. I think it was a Weird Al's Greatest Hits or some shit, I don't remember and details aren't the biggest parts of my stories, so get over it.
I'm in the Jazz section which is also fuckin' weird cause I hate Jazz. I need more stability than that in my life, I guess. I turn to find my way back into a section that's more my age range, I see Joan Allen casually reading the back of a Pat Metheny CD case.
"Holy shit." I accidentally blurted out. Her eyes flicked up to me, there was an almost imperceptible twitch at the side of her mouth, then she looked back down at the album.
The gentleman that I am, I quickly offered an apology and was about to continue on my way, but she stopped me by saying "What are you sorry for, young man?"

Meow

My mind was spinning, my palms were sweaty and I was pretty sure I wasn't even drunk, but out of my mouth came "You're so goddamned hot, and this store is so goddamned shitty, it just caught me off guard. Sorry, Joan Allen. I don't usually cuss this much." Bullshit, I thought.
"Bullshit." she said.

We both laughed for a second, then she said "I'll see you around."

I have no idea what the fuck that was supposed to mean.

Kevin Spacey

So I'm walking around London on Ufford St trying to get back to Blackfriars Rd when I come upon a man jiggling the handles of every car he's passing by. I stop and light a smoke (this was back when I smoked, but I can't remember when) and wait for him to notice that I'm watching him looking for an unlocked car that is obviously not his.

He doesn't notice me and passes within 2 feet of me. Finally, two cars down from me, he stops and looks back. It's an obviously inebriated Kevin Spacey. Not surprising, really, considering the Old Vic is somewhere around here. His head bobbing in the haze of whatever he was drinking (I'm no pro, but I think it was absinthe mixed with Jose Cuervo), he looks in my general direction, gestures to the current car he is trying to break into and mumbles something about his dog was in the car, so he needs to get her out.

I smile and nod politely then continue on my way. I hadn't taken more than 3 steps when I hear the smashing of a car window and turn to see Mr. Spacey frantically crawling through the newly opened window.

I DID IT!! I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF!!!

I wait for a minute and smoke the rest of my cigarette. When it was clear that he wasn't going to accomplish much else inside the car, I crept over to the window and peered in. He was passed the fuck out, head in the backseat, feet resting on top of the steering wheel. There was no dog in sight.
I made it back to my hotel in one piece and American Beauty was available to rent.

London was nice. The food, not so much.

Ben Foster

So my wife and I decided to go downtown for a drink, which was a horrible choice by the way because apparently Sting is in town so there's nothing but douchebags out and about.

Anyways, she tells me she needs to run to the little girls room except how she said it wasn't cute or anything. She was gone for no more than a few seconds when I hear someone clearing their throat next to me. It wasn't a quick, normal throat clearing, but it was over and over, like they were obviously trying to get my attention. I look over and it's Ben Foster.

I accidentally said "Oh, shit." out loud, but only because he's scary, not famous.

"Hey, Nate. How's your night going?" He doesn't look at me when he says this, he just rubs his throat and then takes a sip of his beer.

It takes me a second to get the words 'pretty good' out, and the moment I do, he responds with 'that's good, man.'

Then he looks at me.

Super duper.

Then my wife came back from the restroom. When I turned to introduce her, he was gone.

She still doesn't believe me, but whatever. 

That guy is intense.

Ryan Gosling

So thanks to this website, a lot of famous people and celebrities have been seeking me out on their own in order to change how they might look or sound on the internet when I inevitably write about it*.

I was sitting near a Jamba Juice one day, not drinking Jamba Juice but reading a beer, I mean a newspaper, when Ryan Gosling comes sauntering up to me. Sauntering is a perfect word for how he walks. A better way to describe how he was walking would be to say 'Ryan Gosling was walking over to me when he caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror and then realized he was Ryan Gosling and his legs did too.'

Anyways. He's getting pretty close to me and I see him beginning to realize that he's here to talk to me, not to keep looking at his reflection, so I did the only thing I could do; I jumped up and ran like I was being chased. Ryan Gosling began to run after me and I could tell he wanted to yell something to me, but then probably remembered that he can't form his own opinions unless it's right after he became famous for The Notebook or if someone asks him about his abs or grinning.

I got away but my wife still talks about him and his movies or face or something.

This is the worst picture of Ryan Gosling I could find, and I bet people will fucking love it.

* Not true at all, but that would be pretty awesome, right?

Harrison Ford

On a beautiful Tuesday morning last summer I was heading into my local coffee shop and there in front of me on his way out was Harrison Ford.

Before I could even think, my hand shot up and in the blink of an eye his hand was up and connected with mine in the perfect high-five.

It sounded like a cannon slapping a face in the middle of a concert hall.

Boom. You're welcome.

Everyone in the coffee shop turned to look in awe. I bit back the tears because it hurt my hand like a sonovabitch.

And without a word, he was gone. 

My coffee tasted like shit, but it was a good day overall.

Elijah Wood

I've never been that much of a dancer, but sometimes when I've had enough to drink, my legs start doing whatever they want. Speaking of legs, I was walking through downtown Chicago one time and as I passed a bar, a man came flying through the window backwards and landed on the sidewalk in front of me. Elijah Wood jumped into the windowsill and yelled at the guy to never come back here again and something about how she's a beautiful woman and he doesn't know how to speak to a lady. I don't really know what else he said and I wasn't really paying attention because the guy in front of me had literally been kicked through the window for about 15 feet. I think that might be physically impossible, but it happened. I looked over at Elijah Wood and he gave me the head nod.

"Fuck yea, Elijah Wood."

"Fuck yea." He responded and ducked back into the bar.

Fuck yea.

Kate Blanchett

In June of 2006 I found myself part of a group of 20-year-olds hired by the DEA to convince drug users that alcohol was the safer way to go. My territory had about half a dozen bars and about 500 meth addicts. I was not assigned a gun but I carried one anyways and I kept my cash in my butt cheeks.
Around 9 pm after a spectacularly unsuccessful day I decided to pop into a karaoke bar for a beer.
Much to my surprise, there was Kate Blanchett. She was obviously 3 sheets to the wind and trying to buy a shot of Dalmore 64 Trinitas. Which is ridiculous. The bartender was getting agitated and I decided it was best to intervene before Kate Blanchett did something she regretted.
"Hey, Kate Blanchett." I gently touched her on the shoulder and she spun around so fast it was invisible to the naked eye.
"Who said my name?" Her eyes were glassy, but she was still as dangerous as a honey badger.
"It's about time you went home, Kate. Remember New Mexico?" She stood up straight and seemed instantly sober.
"You weren't even there." She snarled and I saw her fist begin to ball up.

"That's true, Kate Blanchett. But you were."

And in the blink of an eye, she was gone. I yanked a $20 out of my underwear and tossed it to the bartender. Before I could order anything he stuck it in his pocket and told me to get out.

Hugo Weaving

The summer of 2009 was anything but spectacular for me. Most of it had been spent shaving race horses at my aunt's ranch in South America. Grueling work and horrible conditions. Fantastic food though.
I was walking through the local market one day to pick up more oil for the girdle leathers when I saw Hugo Weaving sitting by himself outside a small shack, talking on his cell phone and smoking a cigarette. He noticed me at the same second I noticed him. I smiled and gave him the thumbs up. He made the 'finger-gun' and shot me. I told my aunt about it later and she didn't know who I was talking about. She did say that Keanu Reeves is 'one sexy dish'.

We don't even have cell reception in that part of South America.

Alec Baldwin

I was in London about a year ago walking around and sightseeing, you know, all that touristy shit, when Alec Baldwin comes walking out of a local pub. Neither of us were paying attention and we almost knocked our heads together.
"Oh! Excuse me! I didn't see you there Alec Baldwin."
"That's ok, Nate, I wasn't paying attention either."
"How did you know my name was Nate?"
"I'm very good at guessing names. Say, were you about to go into this pub?"
"I will if you think I should, Alec Baldwin."
"I think you should. Here's a bit of advice, give Thomas the barkeep a fiver and tell him I said 'swing harder next time, Sally' and you'll get free drinks all night.

Trust me!

He shook my hand and walked away.
And he was right, I drank for free all night.

Drew Barrymore

Who likes the beach? Not me. But it looks like Drew Barrymore does. I was hanging out with some friends at the beach and they were busting my balls for being the only grown man on a beach wearing 2 shirts and blue jeans. I told them I felt more comfortable not scaring children away with my see-thru skin but they just weren't having it. Just when I thought I was gonna have to walk back to the Ford Taurus station wagon all by myself, Drew Barrymore walks up to us wearing the biggest T-shirt I have ever seen. But it was the one with the fake bikini girl on it.

She starts to yell, top of her lungs yell, at my friends for busting my balls for wanting to wear clothes at the beach and that it's my choice with what I want to do with my body.

I didn't even go to the Taurus. I walked to a bar and waited for my friends to call me.

They told me that after I left, shit got weird. 

Matt Damon

I'm at some kind of function, it doesn't really matter what kind it is. Let's say the Oscars. Yea, it's the Oscars. Pretty cool. So I'm sitting next to Walter Matthau, who has been dead since 2000 by the way, when Matt Damon sits down in the empty seat to my right. I do kind of a double take, just because I wasn't sure it was really Matt Damon (I mean, these were good seats), but yea, it's Matt Damon.

He must have noticed me doing a double take so he leans in close and says "Yea, hey, I'm Matt Damon. Don't worry, these things can actually be kind of fun."
He started to say something else but I shushed him and told him I was kinda busy and that I would have to call him later.
It was awkward to sit by him for the next 3 hours.

Tom Hanks

So I'm walking along the sidewalk, staring at my feet like I always do, and I hear someone clear their throat and tap me on the shoulder. I look up to see Tom Hanks.
"Sir, I'm really very, very sorry," He seems sweaty and nervous. "Do you happen to have a spare cigarette? I can pay you for it. I'm sorry to trouble you."

I apologize and tell him how I recently quit smoking and don't have any. He smiles and mumbles something about me being a fucking liar. I had to keep walking or I was going to be late for drinking at the bar.
I had no idea Tom Hanks smoked.

Sean Penn

So I'm at a bar and it's super busy and I elbow my way up to the front so I can signal to the bartender. I nudge the guy to my right a little too hard and his drink splashes on his hands.
"Hey!" He yells, "Watch out!" And it's totally Sean Penn.
I say "Hey, Sean Penn. You were awesome in that one movie where you were like Forest Gump except twitchier. Sorry I spilled your drink."
"Thanks, man, it's cool." He smiles and wipes his hand off with a napkin then turns away to talk to his friend.
I get my drink and walk away.