Kate Blanchett

In June of 2006 I found myself part of a group of 20-year-olds hired by the DEA to convince drug users that alcohol was the safer way to go. My territory had about half a dozen bars and about 500 meth addicts. I was not assigned a gun but I carried one anyways and I kept my cash in my butt cheeks.
Around 9 pm after a spectacularly unsuccessful day I decided to pop into a karaoke bar for a beer.
Much to my surprise, there was Kate Blanchett. She was obviously 3 sheets to the wind and trying to buy a shot of Dalmore 64 Trinitas. Which is ridiculous. The bartender was getting agitated and I decided it was best to intervene before Kate Blanchett did something she regretted.
"Hey, Kate Blanchett." I gently touched her on the shoulder and she spun around so fast it was invisible to the naked eye.
"Who said my name?" Her eyes were glassy, but she was still as dangerous as a honey badger.
"It's about time you went home, Kate. Remember New Mexico?" She stood up straight and seemed instantly sober.
"You weren't even there." She snarled and I saw her fist begin to ball up.

"That's true, Kate Blanchett. But you were."

And in the blink of an eye, she was gone. I yanked a $20 out of my underwear and tossed it to the bartender. Before I could order anything he stuck it in his pocket and told me to get out.

Hugo Weaving

The summer of 2009 was anything but spectacular for me. Most of it had been spent shaving race horses at my aunt's ranch in South America. Grueling work and horrible conditions. Fantastic food though.
I was walking through the local market one day to pick up more oil for the girdle leathers when I saw Hugo Weaving sitting by himself outside a small shack, talking on his cell phone and smoking a cigarette. He noticed me at the same second I noticed him. I smiled and gave him the thumbs up. He made the 'finger-gun' and shot me. I told my aunt about it later and she didn't know who I was talking about. She did say that Keanu Reeves is 'one sexy dish'.

We don't even have cell reception in that part of South America.

Alec Baldwin

I was in London about a year ago walking around and sightseeing, you know, all that touristy shit, when Alec Baldwin comes walking out of a local pub. Neither of us were paying attention and we almost knocked our heads together.
"Oh! Excuse me! I didn't see you there Alec Baldwin."
"That's ok, Nate, I wasn't paying attention either."
"How did you know my name was Nate?"
"I'm very good at guessing names. Say, were you about to go into this pub?"
"I will if you think I should, Alec Baldwin."
"I think you should. Here's a bit of advice, give Thomas the barkeep a fiver and tell him I said 'swing harder next time, Sally' and you'll get free drinks all night.

Trust me!

He shook my hand and walked away.
And he was right, I drank for free all night.

Drew Barrymore

Who likes the beach? Not me. But it looks like Drew Barrymore does. I was hanging out with some friends at the beach and they were busting my balls for being the only grown man on a beach wearing 2 shirts and blue jeans. I told them I felt more comfortable not scaring children away with my see-thru skin but they just weren't having it. Just when I thought I was gonna have to walk back to the Ford Taurus station wagon all by myself, Drew Barrymore walks up to us wearing the biggest T-shirt I have ever seen. But it was the one with the fake bikini girl on it.

She starts to yell, top of her lungs yell, at my friends for busting my balls for wanting to wear clothes at the beach and that it's my choice with what I want to do with my body.

I didn't even go to the Taurus. I walked to a bar and waited for my friends to call me.

They told me that after I left, shit got weird. 

Matt Damon

I'm at some kind of function, it doesn't really matter what kind it is. Let's say the Oscars. Yea, it's the Oscars. Pretty cool. So I'm sitting next to Walter Matthau, who has been dead since 2000 by the way, when Matt Damon sits down in the empty seat to my right. I do kind of a double take, just because I wasn't sure it was really Matt Damon (I mean, these were good seats), but yea, it's Matt Damon.

He must have noticed me doing a double take so he leans in close and says "Yea, hey, I'm Matt Damon. Don't worry, these things can actually be kind of fun."
He started to say something else but I shushed him and told him I was kinda busy and that I would have to call him later.
It was awkward to sit by him for the next 3 hours.

Tom Hanks

So I'm walking along the sidewalk, staring at my feet like I always do, and I hear someone clear their throat and tap me on the shoulder. I look up to see Tom Hanks.
"Sir, I'm really very, very sorry," He seems sweaty and nervous. "Do you happen to have a spare cigarette? I can pay you for it. I'm sorry to trouble you."

I apologize and tell him how I recently quit smoking and don't have any. He smiles and mumbles something about me being a fucking liar. I had to keep walking or I was going to be late for drinking at the bar.
I had no idea Tom Hanks smoked.

Sean Penn

So I'm at a bar and it's super busy and I elbow my way up to the front so I can signal to the bartender. I nudge the guy to my right a little too hard and his drink splashes on his hands.
"Hey!" He yells, "Watch out!" And it's totally Sean Penn.
I say "Hey, Sean Penn. You were awesome in that one movie where you were like Forest Gump except twitchier. Sorry I spilled your drink."
"Thanks, man, it's cool." He smiles and wipes his hand off with a napkin then turns away to talk to his friend.
I get my drink and walk away.